Welcome to the second annual Laser Lemming Video Game Awards! Last year we turned gaming journalism upside down with one of the most controversial award lists ever to shock your eyeballs. This year will be no different. This year, we started to accept bribes in the form of expensive gifts and adult massages, whereas last year we only accepted money. So strap yourself
on in and get ready to see Laser Lemming quotes slapped all over your favorite Game of the Year box art.
Most Likely to Get Married
RUNNER UP: Microsoft & Satan
2013 was an extremely romantic year for the gaming industry. But the year’s worst kept secret was definitely the spicy romance started between EA and the evil lord of fire and brimstone, Lucifer. The two first started flirting earlier this year when Satan introduced the 2-time winning Worst Company in America publisher to an always online scheme for the highly anticipated Sim City game. The silver-tongued Devil also managed to persuade the company to encourage EA to make Dead Space 3 more like a Call of Duty game than a a horror game that people actually wanted to play. Let’s hope these two never leave each other’s side!
RUNNER UP: Pretty much anyone.
Turn 10 studios knows it’s audience. The Microsoft-owned company knew that there was a lot of pressure to deliver an amazing racing sim at the launch of the Xbox One. And deliver they did. Not only did the company create a spectacular looking game on time for launch, they were able to do it with less than half the content of the previous game. The developers were well-aware that things like “cars” and “tracks” were seen as rather pointless extras by most racing fans, so Turn 10 gave us what other developers were afraid to: options.
Not only did Forza 5 ship at $60, it also managed to apply a free-to-play model that encouraged players to constantly spend money on in-game currency to buy more cars (or spend hundreds of hours grinding for that one special car that you might end up hating). The cherry on top of the cake is that a $50 season pass was available on day one, making Forza 5 an incredible value for people that hate themselves.
When industry darling Dennis Dyack announced that he would be helming the creation of an Eternal Darkness spiritual successor, the world went partially mad with joy. The rest of world just kind of ignored it and the let the kickstarter (and game) die. So Shadow of the Eternals may never happen. Some people blame that on professional flirt-master, Kenneth McCulloch who was arrested in 2013 for flirting far too much with children (or at least pictures of them). Kenny is now flirting in state prison.
Let’s all stand up and give a big round of applause to The Last Guardian for winning Laser Lemming’s prestigious “Worst Attendance” award for two years straight! When Sony first announced the non-shooter in 2009, nobody could have predicted that the developers would dick around with us for more than 4 years concerning the game’s future. The giant pet simulator is now expected to hit the Playstation 4 sometime before the system gets a third revision. Here’s hoping Sony can pull a three-peat!
Well this one is pretty much everyone’s fault. Activision and EA made too many goddamn plastic instrument games and the world just stopped buying them. So now Ubisoft comes in year after year with their Just Dance games and they sweep the music awards, whether we like it or not. Everyone’s played a Just Dance game (well anyone that keeps a female acquaintance on file)- so just shut the hell up now. Who did you want us to give this award to? Rocksmith? Just Dance 2014 has real music. Call us when Rocksmith gets One Direction and Lady Gaga on the same disc too.
In 2004, EA got sick and tired of lowering the price of Madden games in order to compete with the NFL 2K series of games. So instead, EA decided to super compete by signing an exclusivity deal with the NFL, effectively killing off the competition in one-fell swoop. They also nabbed the exclusive rights to NCAA football along the way. In 2013, however, the NCAA severed exclusive ties with EA, which instantly promoted the humble mega-publisher to “Most Competitive Developer of the Year” status. Luckily, the NFL is proving to be more loyal than the NCAA and looks to be renewing their contract with EA this year. Thank you, illegal monopolies.
For those looking for the breakfast food, Eggo’s can be found here. For the rest of you, Phil Fish is a name to forget. And that’s because he’s done with your sorry ass. First you get mad that he said Japanese developers suck at making games, then you cry that he rightfully called you a nerd, and you still managed to buy Fez despite all of this. You are the reason Fish cancelled Fez II in 2013. How dare you turn this delightful asshole into a millionaire only to later chase him out of the industry with a verbal pitchfork? Phil Fish deserves better than all of us. I hope you see each other in hell.
Most Likely to Win an Oscar
Outside of a few retcon complaints, most of the criticisms aimed at Aliens: Colonial Marines have focused on the fact that it’s an awful game. But the actual story itself seems to land somewhere on the line between “bland” and “completely forgettable.” And for that, Aliens deserves nothing less than undying praise for everything the game achieved in 2013. Sure there were good games in 2013, like Metal Gear Rising: Revegance. And there were well written games like Bioshock: Infinite. And there were even games like The Last of Us, that did both. But it takes balls to take a hugely popular IP and settle for mediocrity “at best.” Let’s all get ready for the next disappointing entry into the series!
DICE is the developer of several famous gaming franchises. They made the cult favorite Mirror’s Edge. They’re even working on the next entry in the Star Wars: Battlefront franchise. But the company is most well-known for their work on the hugely popular Battlefield series. That’s why it’s no wonder why they won Laser Lemming’s most hardworking developer award this year. Every year EA pushes a company to rush a modern day military FPS out the door before Call of Duty 20XX releases, and this year it was DICE’s turn. So we got Battlefield 4: POS Edition. The game was ported to 5 different systems and crashes more than Lindsay Lohan. BF4 has even earned itself multiple class action lawsuits. Clearly EA wanted too much from DICE and they are so sorry about it. DICE has proven that they are dedicated to hard working by vowing to put all other projects on hold until they fix that shitty game you paid them $60 for in 2013.
RUNNER UP: Watch_Dogs
Trey Parker and Matt Stone have created some truly classic gaming experiences. But none of these hold a candle to what South Park: The Stick of Truth pulled off in 2013. The game had suffered through several delays but fans forgave Ubisoft when the game finally almost released in December. Instead of actually playing the finished game, Ubisoft announced just one more delay before the game’s inevitable move to the PS4/Xbox One and instead gave us a brand new trailer showing off all the cool stuff we wish we were playing. That’s why The Stick of Truth is Laser Lemming’s official GAME OF THE YEAR. So you’re welcome gamers. Because of us, the game will now launch $20 cheaper and include all of the originally gutted DLC. See you next year.