What is The Cursed Hero?
“As a young missionary child raised in the jungles of Papua New Guinea, Chris Patton accidentally found the evil spirit of the Sanguma lurking within a Bird of Paradise. The Sanguma used its dark magic to curse his glasses.
Now, when Chris watches movies he only sees super heroes through one of the lenses and super villains through the other. Whereas most saw but a sequel to G.I. Joe, Chris only saw a time-travel rivalry between the Scorpion King and Robin.”
Movie Review – Hulk and the Agents of SMASH: Now You See Me
Part 1: What is Matlock syndrome?
A grave danger arises when a script does not respect its audience. The amazing Justice League Unlimited tread these waters carefully. When Amanda Waller informed Terry McGinnis that Batman’s DNA was all over Gotham, she back pedals and clarifies that she was referring to his blood and not “that kind” of DNA (sperm). The timing and adult humor was clever and placed correctly. Therefore, adult fan boys could laugh while the younger viewers would take it literally and only remember the great action sequences, such as Superman’s now infamous “world of cardboard” fight with Darkseid.
The converse of having great timing is an annoying sin. It’s more properly called Matlock syndrome, because the main characters each have a shallow personality, but they are much smarter than everyone else. Any word spoken by those on the good side is true and the villains will break down and confess all of their wrongs as soon as they hear something like, “I know what you did,” from one of the Matlocks.
Marvel and Disney’s latest offering is guilty of Matlock syndrome and it thinks the audience is stupid. In addition, its multiple realities squish together in a very forgettable and boring fashion.
Part 2: How does one make a terrible movie?
Hulk and the Agents of SMASH was recently released as a cartoon series. Thus, the expediency with which it has made its live-action début reeks of a rush job. The whole idea in the animated series is that the Hulk gathers every hero altered by gamma radiation, and his team then SMASHes the bad guys. Unlike the cartoon, the live-action introduction to the Hulk’s team lacks any angry transformations because nobody on the team has been infected with gamma radiation yet. Instead, Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) assembles the hulks of the financial sector. Try to follow along.
Larry Flynt from Hustler (Woody Harrelson), Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook (Jessie Eisenberg), the Riddler’s voice from Young Justice (Dave Franco), and Tooth from Rise of the Guardians (Isla Fisher) are each recruited by a secret master. Unfortunately, each of them has suffered due to the wretched economy in America. As a result, Larry Flynt has become a mentalist and psychically healed himself, Mark Zuckerberg is a street magician, the Riddler’s voice is a pick-pocket, and Tooth is a trickster that piranhas eat in bars. Each of them puts on a show to introduce themselves to us. Once the shows are over they find mysterious cards that invite them to a New York apartment building.
(Above, from left to right: Tooth, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Flynt, and the Riddler’s Voice from Young Justice)
Inside the apartment, the motley crew makes one-dimensional puns. Larry Flynt tells Tooth that she is beautiful and invites her to have meaningless sex. She is then required to ask whether the characters are serious or not in each scene. The Riddler’s voice says, “Heh,” a lot and Mark Zuckerberg continues his Social Network pattern of being a smart-ass before getting confused about whether to add Tooth as a friend on Facebook. These introductions plateau when the new agents of SMASH accidentally unlock and activate video projectors in the apartment. The agents then spin around inside the images and smile while saying, “Blueprints!”
Fast forward one year and the agents of SMASH are now very famous. Alfred (Michael Caine) has inherited the Wayne fortune after Batman (Christian Bale) nuked himself in The Dark Knight Rises. He is the one funding the agents as magicians. There has also been an unexplained fall out between Alfred and Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman), as Lucius now makes his money by creating DVD’s that disprove magic tricks. In several scenes Alfred tries to pay off Lucius, but Mr. Fox always refuses and sites that his DVD’s make millions. He is out to show that the agents are frauds.
Suddenly, the SMASH agents teleport an audience member into his bank vault in France during their début show in Las Vegas. The audience member activates a tube inside the bank and he steals 3.2 million Euros. Or did he? Alfred is impressed by the stunt, but Lucius Fox and the FBI, headed by agent of SHIELD, Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo) want Larry Flynt, Tooth, the Riddler’s Voice, and Mark Zuckerberg behind bars. Or do they? However, nobody can unravel the secret to the trick, not even Bruce Banner’s partner, Harry Dresden (Paul Blackthorne reprises his role from The Dresden Files), so they are not arrested. Or are they? You get the picture. Or do you?!
(Above: Harry Dresden of the FBI partners with Bruce Banner, an agent of SHIELD, to figure out how magic tricks are done)
The SMASH agents continue using the blueprints they watched a year earlier. After Vegas, they do New Orléans, where they “steal” Alfred’s inheritance, and they do the trick of all tricks at their last show in New York. The solutions to how the SMASH team pulled off their tricks are slowly revealed, and this subtracts even more mystery from the already absurd plot. Furthermore, the big finale is neither a surprise nor a shock, wherein Bruce Banner reveals himself as their leader who created the blueprints. Banner then puts his Agents of SMASH together inside a magical carousel. Did you just read that? There is an unexplained magical carousel. I’ve warned you!
Part 3: What is the consensus?
Hopefully, the upcoming Marvel and Disney live-action television shows, Hulk and Agents of SHIELD, can redeem these characters. The sins will never fully be counted. Banner gets upset a lot, but doesn’t transform, and this strangely rings of the lack of action in Ang Lee’s prodding take on the green giant. Lucius Fox and Alfred, who are both sharpened minds, are reduced to plot devices with money. Last, the Agents of SMASH have Matlock syndrome and constantly remind everyone that they are the smartest people in the room. FBI agents get confused, make weird faces, and explain everything they are doing when Tooth, Larry Flynt, the Riddler’s voice or Mark Zuckerberg tell them to.
Audiences may foolishly finance the big name cast, but how this ties into the television and film waves of other Marvel and Disney projects is a head-scratcher. Save your money if you can. Flynt and Zuckerberg have plenty. This one goes in the “Howard the Duck” stink pile!
Chris Patton is the writer for Laser Lemming’s movie review blog entitled The Cursed Hero. Read his rodent blog here: https://laserlemming.com/category/blogs/cursedhero/
